By: Cassie Gerr, LSW
“Grace means favor. It means acceptance. It means giving. Grace is free; something done or given in grace is done so without expecting to receive anything in return.” Graceful Therapy opened in 2018 with a goal of offering people a space to experience grace in their healing. There is no more significant example of when to offer yourself and others grace than times of loss and change.
Losing someone or something important to us changes us. As much as we would appreciate a step-by-step manual for how to feel like our previous selves, the reality is grief is not linear and it does not look only one way. Understanding how grief appears is immensely helpful, particularly for someone experiencing an unexpected, tragic or first significant loss.
The Five Stages of Grief model was developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and became famous after she published On Death and Dying in 1969. These stages are common and unite us in the difficult healing process. You might go through the stages differently than the individual sitting next to you. You may go back and forth between stages before you find acceptance, and there is no wrong way to grieve. It is our hope that Graceful Therapy and other healing spaces can reduce any unhealthy ways of coping as you navigate your process of grieving.
Denial
Denial is when an individual does not want to believe or accept that the person is gone. Denial is a defense mechanism to help the individual work through the difficult time of grief when it first begins.
Examples of denial include:
Not accepting the loss of the person
Not willing to discuss the topic
Believing and saying the loss did not happen
Anger
Anger occurs in the grief stages when the individual accepts the loss. Anger is not a bad emotion and it is normal and healthy to identify within yourself during the grief process especially. Anger is often a secondary emotion to sadness in the grieving process and can look many different ways.
For example:
Blaming others for what happened to the individual you lost
Blaming yourself for what occurred
Lack of patience and understanding
Lashing out at others
Bargaining
When we feel like there is no hope, we experience bargaining. Bargaining is the "what if" and "if only," statements. Bargaining relates to not having evidence based thoughts.
Examples of bargaining include:
"If only I had seen the signs, this would not have happened."
"What if I told her to stay the night?"
“If I do this thing differently, bad stuff won’t happen anymore.”
Depression
Depression refers to the intense feeling of sadness after losing someone. Symptoms of depression or experiencing depressed mood impacts almost everyone in a grieving process. Having a depressed mood is typical but can feel isolating, scary, or impact relationships.
Symptoms of depression include:
Feelings of sadness
Loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy
Changes in sleep
Significant changes in weight
Lack of energy
Acceptance
This is the final stage where we believe and accept our loved one has passed. Within this stage we give into our grief. We might be able to celebrate our loved one after the initial shock or adjustment. Acceptance does not mean the loved one is forgotten or we are “ok” with saying goodbye; rather, acceptance involves a sense of peace and feeling able to live life more fully after a loss.
If you have questions about how to cope with Grief Call 630-733-9108 to register for Grieving with Grace or to book an appointment for individual therapy to process your grief in a safe space.
If you need immediate support:
Call or text 9-8-8 for the nationwide Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Linden Oaks Behavioral Health: 630-305-5027
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741
Grief Support Groups and Agencies Near me:
Grieving with Grace beginning in October at Graceful Therapy
Fox Valley Hands of Hope in Geneva, IL
Calvary Church GriefShare Groups in Aurora, IL
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